I’m losing my faith. Or maybe I’ve already lost it. And I don’t think I want it back. I was raised Christian and it seemed so simple to just believe what I was told. I was proud of my blind faith, and always having the perfect sunday school answer to any questions about God or Christianity.
Then the pastor of my church had an affair and committed suicide when he was found out.
Then I found evidence of the bible, and other holy texts of other religions being deliberately changed to drive an agenda.
I’ve been betrayed by centuries of authority trying to control people through religion.
They say that when you lose your faith and fall away from your religion to not go jumping into a new religion. There will be a void in your life and its not uncommon to fill it with the next available answer. So why am I still attending a Christian Bible study?
It’s infuriating to listen to people talk about how great God is and how insignificant humans are. “Our humanity is evil.” Why did God make us like that then? Why bother. Its a waste of existence to create such a shitty existence.
Often advice given to new artists is to create art even if it isn’t good. The point is to get practice, even if it doesn’t turn out well or the way you want it to, you’ve got the experience under your belt.
Maybe God was just practicing and we didn’t turn out quite like the masterpiece he envisioned. I’m waiting for the day he paints over us and replaces us with a better reality.
On an unrelated note, since being on antidepressants I’ve been more irratic. I think I have ADHD, and plan on getting diagnosed, or at least get a definite answer. But it’s made me hesitant to speak up durring bible study because I’m worried that I won’t be able to get my point across and I’ll just come off as rambly and annoying.
God and everyone else is a mom too. I’m not the youngest, but I feel the stupidest. I feel like I don’t fit in.